People usually walk around the subject of suicide. They think it will trigger the person who has attempted it and do not want it to happen again. While I am open to it, so when someone who is not able to talk to the people around them, they can talk to me.
For me it was a matter of the pressure around me building up too much and I had no way to release it. Self harming was not helping. I wanted and needed the pain to end and I finally did it and to the emergency room I went. You would think that this was the end.
No, it was not, as there was a second time. This time it was different. I felt like there were two different people inside me, and the one who is rational and knows that this won’t solve anything was locked in a bubble, and the other me was: I am going to do this. And I did.
These two events were spread with years between them. It meant that I am always in danger of losing my grip and taking that plunge—that if I was not found, it can end up badly.
I have learnt my limits and inform people around me of my boundaries and please do not go over it, as it will push me over the edge and I do not want to be there. I also make sure that when the pressure builds up inside me, I haul my ass to the emergency room and get immediate help.
I will never forget the pain I felt, the desperation and the need for it to stop. There was no light at the end of the tunnel and no hope to cling on. Or so I thought.
It now has made me able to give a hand to anyone who thinks no one cares and does not understand the pain. I did, and I am still here, standing tall, telling you the story of my life.
If you are struggling, please reach out. In Norway: Mental Helse 116 123. Kirkens SOS 22 40 00 40. International: findahelpline.com
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