They call it depression.
I call it what I have felt inside for the longest time. The feeling of emptiness. Not wanting or being able to go on in this world. Hopelessness and never‑ending darkness.
I did what some do while others don’t. I went to seek help. First line of treatment was antidepressants. I tried a variety of them. They made me so tired that I felt like something was hitting me over and over again. Not able to get the relief I yearned for. Then the plummeting of libido—as in my case, it made me normal. The dry mouth. The variety of side effects.
When I finally found one that worked well for me, I had the one considered the hardest to wean off: Venlafaxine. I have been on it more or less the last 20 years or so. The times I went off it, I had to jump back on it after a while. So I have accepted that it is something I have to have the rest of my life to help be a somewhat functioning human being.
Then came the therapy. Does it really work? It is a yes and no answer. For therapy to work, you have to dig deep into your soul. Look at your fears and anxiety straight in the face and say: You will not win over me. You do not let the dark cloud engulf you so completely that you cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. Yes, there is always light there.
Those who don’t work on themselves are the ones who keep their eyes closed, refusing to move from the spot they are in, as fear is in control.
Can you stop working on yourself even if you felt cured? Totally not. There is always a shadow that lurks behind the corner to take over when you least expect it. Always on guard, as the smallest and simplest thing can push you down the abyss of darkness that feels next to impossible to climb out of.
Depression has another dark, taboo subject. Suicide. The thing that people don’t really want to talk about. It is an important subject and should not be taken for granted. It is how countless people die each year. How loved ones wonder what they could have done to prevent it.
Myself, I have had several attempts which, as you can see, were not successful. Several times I knew it was coming and sought help before it was too late.
For me, the danger is when I feel like I want to take my own life—it is when I know I can do it, and I am emotionally numb. That is when I know I need help now. Suicidal ideation is also one thing I live with. If I could give my life away to someone who was dying and worth saving, I would have done it without a second thought.
That is what they call depression. That is what I live with. That is what I am battling every single day, whether I want to or not.
So if I tell you I am tired, my friends, it means I am tired to the bone of being on this earth with you.
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